“and I wonder why I am not heard when I’m not saying a thing”
The words above are from Jonathan Sexton’s song Anybody on his Big Love Album. This prompted me to blog the following long, drawn out recap of how I got from there to here. Strangers envy my life. Acquaintances envy my life. Elders who have known me for a long time encourage my life. The new people I’ve met along the way encourage my life. The people closest to me, however, are the last ones to offer encouragement or recognize that my new, current path is the best one for me at this time. And then there is everyone else who just wonders how I got here from there, or is curious about why my address changes a few times a year right now. This blog is for you.
I heard once that you had to go there to get here. Here begins the tale of how I got to these North Carolina hills, living in God’s backyard…
2007. The year of the most change in my adult life, at that point. Actually, I learned a lot that year, too. At the end of this post I’ll copy/paste a blog I posted on social networking sites that listed the things I learned that year.
Anyway, the series of events that year really prodded my best friends and I to take a step back and be thankful. Take a step back and keep ourselves number one. Take a step back and move forward together. Take a step back and be more intentional about how we spent our time…together. We did lots of awesome things, starting with all of us moving into the same town home complex. It was like Melrose Place of West Knoxville, and we loved every moment of it. It was crucial to our time of healing after a big could-have-been-tragedy. Additionally, we took a girls only trip to Savannah, continued our Wednesday night Girls’ Night routine, but with more intent, started going to church together, the list could go on forever.
In August of that year, I was working for Enterprise Rent-A-Car at the time and had recently been promoted, Tara, Allison, and I road tripped to North Carolina to visit my brother Scott who was working at the Nantahala Outdoor Center at the time. I had been to NOC before, but this time was different. I felt at home in this gorge surrounded by these mountains. I felt peaceful. And on a Sunday afternoon, next to Queens Lake, I said out loud, “I wish I could just sell everything I have and move here!” Scott said, “do it.” Of course, right? He makes it sound so easy. I quickly remembered all of my other obligations and belongings and knew that move was just something I would dream about.
A few months later I was hosting my small group at my house. We were studying Andy Stanley's The Best Question Ever. But a challenge in the study prompted me to be honest about where I was at in my head. I said out loud, for the first time, that I had so many desires to go somewhere new, do something different, but I was held prisoner by “these red couches and that book shelf holding my library.” The minimalists in my company just told me to sell it all. Again, I quickly remembered all of my other obligations and knew this was just something I would dream about.
Fast forward to May 2008 when I met Ted. We met on the Ocoee River, where he has now worked for 16 years. After we were officially an item, I went down there to spend a weekend and was so refreshed. It was just what I needed. It was so nice to see a group of people who really got up and did what they love everyday. They found a way to make it work. I decided that day that no matter what happened between me and Ted I would always be grateful that he showed it is possible to do what you love. He redefined vocation. And for that I'm thankful.
I realized this as I was working remotely on a Saturday. At the time I held a less than desirable job at my dream company. I was making great money, but I worked for it. I was on call 24 hours a day, and now that I had a companion to do some exploring with I was held back by this stupid phone! But only for about 16 more months.
In October 2009, in the middle of a merger, I became a casualty for political reasons, among others. I was devastated for a few hours. I really thought things at this job were about to get better after the merger, and I don’t like being rejected…especially in the work place. Then I started tripping over silver linings. I realized that while I was somewhat miserable I was far too comfortable to ever leave that job on my own. Additionally, the timing was perfect. If you have to lose a job, October is the time to do it in East Tennessee. I was also able to help my mother after a knee replacement and my best friends with some baby sitter needs through the holidays. At the beginning of 2010 I started to work things out so that I could, finally, move to the gorge and work for NOC. I put a lot of things in storage and allowed my roommate and friend, Tara, to borrow most of my furniture. It was serendipitous. She was buying a new house and it alleviated some of the financial burden of not having to furnish it right away, and it kept me from not having to put it in storage, which could ruin it.
In April 2010 I loaded my car and moved to North Carolina. Since then, my residence here has only been temporary, seasonal. I have been working here in the spring and summer for 2 years now. It was more than I remembered. It is still my happy place. Living and working here has not taken away any of the majesty. Being here forced me out of my comfort zone, and I am happy for it. I bought some bikes, and I ride them. I no longer take any medicine for acid reflux, my blood pressure is lower than it has ever been in my adult life, and I have shed around 50 pounds. Oh, and I have tan lines.
At the end of last season in NC, we (Ted and I) loaded up and moved out to Salida, CO. Ted has worked there for years as a snowboard instructor at Monarch Mountain. I had never been that far away from home for more than a vacation. I cried until about Cookeville. Once in CO, I had a rough start, but eventually it was more than I thought it could be. I learned how to snowboard (kind of) and made some great friends. I love it there. More on that later. When the Monarch season ended, we headed back out to TN/NC.
Since I’ve been back one of my best friends said, surprisingly, something to the effect of me changing for Ted. That made me laugh a little. I’m far too independent to change for someone. But I will absolutely admit to changing because of someone. Ted gave me the freedom to be who I wanted to be, even if I didn’t know who that is. I only knew one person to be, and for the most part I didn’t like it. And all of this flux is ground shaking in my life. Let’s be honest. I’m a homebody. I had never left East Tennessee. But now the idea of home changes and I’m just rolling with punches…as long as it works for me.
Like I said earlier, I heard once that you had to go there to get here. That being said, I’ll offer this disclaimer: I am in love with my life and every decision made that has brought me to where I am today. Every job I have had has impacted me in many ways, good and bad, and I developed relationships that I wouldn’t trade for anything. And, nothing is fool proof. Just because this life works for me now, doesn’t mean it will work for me forever. But as long as it does, and I’m happy with it, that’s all that matters to me. Today, well today I am the best version of myself. And I think I’m pretty cool. And I think some of you are jealous. And I think some of you will never give me the support I want, but only because we don’t like to be apart. Regardless, I refuse to be defined by a "career" and will remain disgusted as long as anyone chooses to mourn the loss of that version of myself. I’ve resolved to be me, and take care of myself, and recognize that no one else will if I don’t. I’m accountable to God first, and then me, so as long as I stay true to me and the Big Guy upstairs, I’m perfectly content.
“Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.”-Carrie Bradshaw
